I’ve been having some worries as of lately and the more I realize things, the more I wonder if this is something extremely toxic. So to start from the beginning.
Me and my now husband have been together 12 years. We’ve only been legally married since October 31, 2017. My husband is very self conscious and has very low self esteem. Granted mine isn’t great either but it’s improved as I’ve gotten older. We’ve had our issues in the past and we’ve only lived together going on now 4 years.
A lot of our issues started about a year ago this past February. We had hit kind of a rough spot and things came to a head. I’ve grown to be very independent and I don’t rely on him as much as I used to, even now. I used to be one of those who didn’t want to go do anything without him there or go hang out with my friends without him there. Of course, as of lately I’ve noticed a lot of my friends don’t really come around and I think it’s because of him, anyway ill get to that eventually. The older i’ve gotten though, the more I enjoy MY time, my time away from him just to do things I need or want to do without being held back in a sense. Granted, the issues we had last year blew over and things seemed to be fine..up until a few months ago again.
I was recently diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) which kind of messed with my sexual drive for a while since I dealt a lot with bleeding off and on every day for months on end. Following my diagnosis, I received a text from him one morning stating he was tired of dealing with my health issue, the house not selling (we’ve been trying to sell for a long time, with our specific kind of house it’s not easy), his job, and the dog acting up. I basically told him my life wasn’t all rainbows and flowers either. See, with him specifically he is VERY hard to talk to. Very judgmental, he criticizes me and many others a lot. He responded to me saying, "Well you don’t talk to me and hold everything in so how am I supposed to know?" I told him I had no control over my health thing, it would even out eventually and we could move forward with life with that once it had (which it has). I finally broke down and told him how he is very judgmental with me and criticizes me over a lot of things. Told him I’m tired of coming home from work to do everything with the cooking and cleaning and making sure things get done. I remember one evening he got home and immediately sat on the couch, got on his game on his tablet and didn’t move not to mention made a very strong alcoholic beverage that made him fall asleep early in the evening. I was again stuck doing everything around the house. Granted I am very OCD and find things just get done the right way if I do them myself. I know a lot of this was brought into perspective following a conversation I had with a friend of mine back in April of this year. He was having a birthday party and I told my husband i’d like to go but he responded saying it would depend on how his day went at work. By the time he got home, he had kind of a crappy day and stated he wasn’t going anywhere else for the evening. The next day I asked my friend how his party went and he said it was good and I basically apologized for not making it to it. He could tell it bothered me and it was then that I just kind of let things out. We usually don’t go anywhere, especially after he has had a crappy day at work. He has no drive or motivation anymore. It’s like pulling teeth to get him to do anything included chores around the house.
I’ve come to realize he is very selfish as well. I am usually NEVER sexually satisfied after we have sex. It’s always about him finishing and he rarely gets me off. Granted for me it takes me a while but he’s really not into foreplay or anything else either anymore it seems. I know we’ve both kind of hit a time in our lives where we are just kind of at a stand still. He can be very controlling and very manipulative and guilt trips me a lot. If he wants to do something and I don’t, he always has a way of getting me to do it. For me specifically, I am a woman who is heavily tattooed with my collection growing and I enjoy changing my hair color often now as well. He’s told me he doesn’t care that I go and get my tattoos by myself but i know deep down he hates it when I go a lone. I also found out here as of recently that he’s never truly liked any of the colors i’ve changed my hair to and has always preferred my natural blonde which I’m not going back to for a long time as the darker colors i’ve changed it to work better for my style, complexion, etc. I also found out as well my mother in law has never liked it either and stated the dark hair does nothing for me. I know it’s because of him I no longer have the friends I used to. After we got together 12 years ago my friends basically left. I remember one day YEARS ago where one of those friends stopped by to see me (a male friend) and he got super mad and jealous and ****************ed off. He basically threw my phone at me that day after I came back inside from talking with my friend who I knew could tell things weren’t good. I feel like i’ve been living a lie for the last 12 years. I’ve come to realize I’m not happy, I’m taken advantage of, controlled and manipulated, he doesn’t motivate me or push me to do anything new. I’ve explained to him how ive changed and grown up and his response was, "Well you never took into consideration how that would make me feel." Now granted, changes happen naturally and sometimes you have no control over it.
I’ve recently opened up to my mom about all of this and she and I have never talked about things like this. She knows i’m depressed and not living a happy life. This weekend we spent a lot of time all together with my family and even my aunt saw that he was putting on a show. He doesn’t like a lot of my family and openly expresses it to me. My aunt contacted me yesterday to ask how we were doing because she knows about things as well. He saw my text and asked what I had told her. I lied basically and stated she had asked me a few weeks ago about the tension she felt in the house one evening when she came over. Told him that i had told her that we were dealing with some things but were working them out. I feel more like a piece of property than his wife and partner. My brother in law and my father in law are all the same or have been the same in the past as well. My husband and I had another long talk this past Friday and while he wants to work things out still, I feel he has just pushed me further and further away. I never want to come home after work because it’s up to me to do everything and we end up just sitting there all night and we barely go out and do anything. I’ve told my mom and my aunt I feel i would be happier in a apartment by myself anymore. My own space, my own rules, to be free. My friends see how unhappy I am and many have dealt with the same things I have. My mom thinks we need to seek professional help in which I did talk to him about and he refuses to pay someone to tell us what our problems are. It would take me hours to type out everything i’ve gone through but I hope this explains a bit. Am I in a abusive relationship? Do I need to get out before things get worse? He has NEVER laid a hand on me to hurt me physically but has hurt me mentally and emotionally. This has built up over the last 12 years and has only gotten worse. He is constantly asking me where I am, what I’m doing, who I’m with, what we are talking about, etc and I can’t do it anymore. I don’t know where my future lies from here and right now i’m in a major state of depression and my whole life feels like it’s falling apart.
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