My toes were so cold I wanted to get under the blanket, better yet I could warm imaginary toes beside and imaginary heater and get better results.

I experienced, for the first time, this phantom pain they talked about. It’s where you can feel the limb that was removed. One man said he could feel his foot itch even though it wasn’t there. For me, I had a strong response like neuropathy. It was as if I were experiencing Raynaud’s Syndrome. The ‘toes’ were so cold!

I was warned about phantom pain, but it’s one of those things you can’t be totally prepared for. It scared me, made me cry, panic a little, then later grieve the situation.

Though my support is usually top notch here, I got less than needed when trying to explain how freaked out I was by the situation. I tried a second time and felt like a total idiot. She said I was told about the response, should have known it would happen and she didn’t know why I was upset. Despite feeling stupid, I told her my response may seem odd to her but it’s how I feel. I have a right to it.

Argh! There’s something I’m going to have to get over and that is the looks people give concerning the wheelchair. It happened again. The lady at the apartment complex gave me the look of ‘oh that’s so sad, you have to sit in a wheelchair’ She gave me the look after reading a one paragraph letter from my doctor explaining the need for the chair. She needs the letter bc I can’t get a govt subsidised wheelchair accessible apartment without one. She went in to how I could do physical therapy and be up walking around. She was all excited and animated as she talked about the possibility of therapy. Therapy! Therapy  Therapy!

If sitting in a wheelchair isn’t the end of all hope, why do people act like it?

What do I hate so much about this? What does it mean to you deep down?

I may need to examine the way I view people in chairs. That largely depends on the situation. I think most of the time there is sympathy for what may have happened. Thinking more, and without writing it, I see my thoughts about wheelchair bound people aren’t considered correct. I hope to limit transference with this issue.

One thing I don’t want is to make people comfortable enough to approach me with questions about what happened! Cause really, I’m just at the store like others. I’m there to get my stuff and go home, not explain at every outing why I limp, why I’m using a walker, why I’m using a wheelchair. Comfortable strangers ask stupid questions. I have to work on making them a little uncomfortable.

Sometimes people ask questions because they want you to know they’re interested in you as a person  I get that. But do you know how many times a day I’m asked personal questions by total strangers? All I’m asking is that you not take liberties with questions  And please don’t be offended when I give you a non answer w a conversation closer… I got sick but I’m better now, thank you.

Jordan



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