It’s been weeks since I required assistance getting in bed. It was a vulnerable, helpless feeling not being able to move. But now I can use the wheelchair so I have a measure of independence. Even if I’m in bed for the night, I want the wheelchair within my reach. My anxiety level goes really high if it’s not bc I go right back to feeling helpless. I feel like a lump in the bed who can’t do anything.
Recently I’ve I been able to transfer to the toilet. That’s huge…. and embarrassing because I don’t like using the restroom with someone standing 2 feet away from me. The prep is embarrassing, too. I don’t think I’m allowed to have dignity bc when it’s all said and done, the restroom support person has undressed me and seen my um, big brown moon, then she stands there while I do my thing so she can help get my pants back on. It’s a total ordeal I mean to tell you! But it’s progress I’m happy to have made. I can use a regular restroom the way I did before all this happened. Restoring my quality of life is the goal.
Even in the restroom the chair is in front of me. It’s come to symbolize security and independence, something I felt stripped of.
I paint by the window now. I can visit the aquarium and take part in ice-cream social day or wheel around outside looking for pretty rocks to paint. I’ve even done some gardening and checked out some moss beds. Though the chair is not my legs, it’s given me a sense of normalcy that I haven’t felt since Feb 12th when all this started. Looking for moss is normal for me. Looking for rocks and dried flowers is normal for me, so when I did it, I breathed in a huge breath of healing! Totally cool.
There’s nothing exciting about nursing home life. Boring is a good way to describe it, but when I make progress in healing it makes it less of a depressing strain to live here. Helping me through this… environment…are my wonderful friends who remind me to have a positive attitude and to look at the bigger picture. This will help me deal better with my depression concerning my situation.
I’m a bit discouraged and worn out. I struggle to stay strong and fight to stay the course. For a bit it all felt pointless. Staff was so helpful and understanding. I cried at the drop of a hat and didn’t care to do anything but sleep. Thankfully staff rode it out with me. I can call this place boring and depressing but I can’t say they’re unhelpful. They’re here when I need them.
Visitors brought hugs for me
A second group of Visitor brought their cat who slept on my stomach right here.
I had a nice moment of reflection while drinking a good cup of tea.
I stood to wash up at the sink.
I can lift 8 lb dumbbells on both sides.
I have fresh strawberries and chocolate sauce to enjoy.
I’m not always strong but that’s ok.
I have hope.
I show courage.
I’m afraid but I’m going to be just fine.
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