Dr D and I talked at our regular time. I said I’m hungry but nothing sounds good. I said for several days I’ve not been myself. I yelled and cursed, complained and refused their assistance. I wanted to be left alone to sleep. The pain was out of control and I couldn’t stand it. A few days have passed since the surgery and it’s better but still bad, just not screaming, cussing bad.
Of course I’m afraid of the pain. I’m afraid to put my foot on the floor bc it hurts but I’m more afraid of losing progress. I read over entries and think about how strong I felt bc I could get in the wheelchair on my own or bc I was able to get dressed on my own. I don’t want this surgery to make all that for nothing.
Healing from this one could take up to 12 weeks. Somewhere in this 12 weeks will my confidence be lost? Can I, one last time, overcome the fear and pain just to know what it feels like to dress myself again? Of course I can, but I want this to be the last time I relearn the basics. I want this to be the last time grueling pain rules the day and night. May I have that, please?
Dr D asked if I’ve been dissociating or switching. One little one pops out from time to time but usually I’m alone when she does. Ariel is quite young has zero desire to speak to anyone. She pops out because she catches a glimpse of our new teddy bear or tea or something pink. She’s sad and upset about how much pain we’re in but I don’t know if she totally gets why we’re in pain. I hope not bc she’s just a kid and all this is adult size trauma.
It’s coming on 7pm which means it’s time to read and relax. Time for another cup of tea. There’s always time for another cup of tea.
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